Hi Friends,
I know that my previous posting left you with many questions and few, if any, answers. I just can't face you yet. Not until I've said everything I need to say. I don't want you to hate me but I do want you to understand me better. No one really understands me. No one, not my family or my friends. Everyone looks at me and thinks that I have it all. That I'm the luckiest man on the planet but I'm not. I have my demons and my secrets. I've kept so much from you. I just don't know how to tell you anything about me without feeling like it will come back to haunt me.
I've told you a bit about me. I guess I thought that if it was online and I didn't put a face to the account that what I said wouldn't matter. I have a hard time expressing myself when I'm around people. It's so easy to forget who I am and just be who they want me to be. I can just walk into a room and be the life of the party. That's not a problem. What is a problem is the fact that I have to, at that moment, forget everything I'm feeling because I don't want them to pick up on it. I have spent countless nights awake wondering what was so wrong with me, that if I was myself , why would people I loved and trusted would leave me. I still have no answer for that. And to be honest, I have no right to ask that of anyone. Not when I don't trust them enough to let them see my anguish.
Only a few people have actually seen my "weak" side. I refuse to show it to anyone else, for fear of being laughed at and ridiculed. I cry often because of this fear and the loneliness that comes with it. My kids and a good friend of mine have seen it. It is not easy for a man to say what he needs, especially one like me who could in some people's opinion could get any woman on the planet he desired. But that is a double-edged sword. Most women don't want a man like me. They believe that I wouldn't be faithful. *laugh* Sorry, I couldn't help it. I don't have that kind of heart in me and my soul wasn't made that way.
I have spent the better part of my life looking for someone who I could confide in and, so far, I haven't. It's almost like that person doesn't exist in reality. I can find that person in any book but not here in life. I wish there was. I have so many things that I want to get off my chest but I can't. I just can't. Some of you have trusted me with your secrets and I'll admit that it isn't fair for me to keep secrets from you when you have been so open with me. And some of you are very easy to talk to but I still can't confide in you. I can't trust as easily. I can't.
One day, soon, I will tell you everything but for now you'll just have to be content with knowing that I love you and I wish I could let you inside me.
Love Always,
Michael.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Friday, January 6, 2012
Letter to You
Hello everyone,
I know it has been long time since you've heard from me and I apologize for that. I have been coming to grips with the things I must tell you now. It will be hard to hear and I know you will have questions but I can offer you no answers. I did not expect to receive so much attention and affection by being myself here. I also did not expect the hatred I got either. I came here to meet people, some like me and others who were a true contrast to my nature. I've spent weeks attempting to think of a way to tell you the truth and though this will not be enough, it is what I can offer you.
My name is Michael and I'm 54 years old. I've spent most of my life doing things that most people dream of. I come from a normal family. I have 3 older brothers and a younger sister. My parents are both living and yes I have 3 beautiful children. My job is fun and fulfilling and I enjoy it very much. I have lived in California for roughly 30 years and I've only been married once.
Now that that's been said, it's time you heard the truth.
I'm not who you think I am. I know many of you hate me for the things I've said about your beloved Michael Jackson but I meant no harm with what I told you. I only wanted you to see him for the human that he was and not the mega-star that you saw on TV. It's not easy being who we are sometimes so we create other lives to cover the ones we truly lead. Many of you do here on Twitter and other networking sites. I was merely playing my part in the "Restoration of Michael Jackson". Too often and for too long people have looked at him as having this resolve of stone, like he's a living castle but he isn't. He ached and bled like we do. He cried and laughed like we do. It was not out of spite or to seek attention when I told you he thought of killing himself. This is something he thought of often when things were at their worst and he thought they would never get better. We all have that one moment when we are weak and tired and we just want to give up everything just to have a moment of peace. I didn't say that just so you would hate me. If that was what I wanted, I would have called him a child molester.
He led a long and often tiring life. So many people took from him but none of them ever gave back to him. He gave his all to his fans and you gave him the adoration he craved but rarely the love that he needed. Very few people loved him the way he wanted to be loved and some of them never told him they felt that way. Others pretended to love him but all they wanted was what his friendship could give them, fame and fortune. Very few of us stuck by him when he needed us and even within that group, there were those who doubted him. Some friends, huh? I'm not bashing anyone. I'm merely pointing out facts but of course, I've strayed from the reason for this message.
I came here to seek the truth, to get to know his fans and to see what those who claimed to love him truly thought of him. In a way, yes, I am a spy. I was appalled by some of you and intrigued by others. Most of you I've come in contact with see him as a conquest, a challenge that needs to be overtaken so that you can have a sense of glory. Then there are those who merely want him for sex and that is the only way they see him. I am not condemning you, I swear. But I have found that at least 20% of those that I've met see him and love him the way that he wanted to be loved. I clung to these people, some more than others because of it. Yes I lied to you for a while about me, I even went as far as to pretend to be Michael for a bit as well, but I did it for a good reason. I found out much about you and the many faces you wear. As stated earlier, I will give no answers to your questions/
Was it right what I did? No, not by a long shot, but I did it just the same. I had to do it. I know it wasn't right but it needed to be done.
I know you will hate me for all of this but I don't care. I will love you regardless. I did it for Michael, and if you were in my shoes, you would have done the same.
So many of you are filled with hate and anger. It consumes you to the point where you attack others just because of their names, you know who you are. Yes I am a liar, I did lie to you but I did it for a reason, a good reason. You can't judge me for it. Well, you can but it won't matter because you are doing the same as me, only you are doing it because you think Michael will come to you. He won't.
You want Michael to confide in you and lay his whole soul bare, but you are way too two-faced for him to do that. Again, you know who you are. You sit there in your little group bashing all the "fakes" but you are the fake ones. You judge and bash those within your little group. You turn your back on them when they need you, while telling them you are there for them. You spread their secrets to others under different accounts. I don't say this to take away my own guilt. I betrayed you by lying to you and for that I am sorry. I also lied to you about my job. I'm not a music producer, but I work in the music industry but I cannot reveal in what capacity.
I know you may hate me for this. I wasn't supposed to be here for as long as I have been. I was supposed to leave a few months after but like I said earlier, I became attached to several people here and I couldn't leave. Please, please forgive me. I meant no harm.
Love always,
Michael X
I know it has been long time since you've heard from me and I apologize for that. I have been coming to grips with the things I must tell you now. It will be hard to hear and I know you will have questions but I can offer you no answers. I did not expect to receive so much attention and affection by being myself here. I also did not expect the hatred I got either. I came here to meet people, some like me and others who were a true contrast to my nature. I've spent weeks attempting to think of a way to tell you the truth and though this will not be enough, it is what I can offer you.
My name is Michael and I'm 54 years old. I've spent most of my life doing things that most people dream of. I come from a normal family. I have 3 older brothers and a younger sister. My parents are both living and yes I have 3 beautiful children. My job is fun and fulfilling and I enjoy it very much. I have lived in California for roughly 30 years and I've only been married once.
Now that that's been said, it's time you heard the truth.
I'm not who you think I am. I know many of you hate me for the things I've said about your beloved Michael Jackson but I meant no harm with what I told you. I only wanted you to see him for the human that he was and not the mega-star that you saw on TV. It's not easy being who we are sometimes so we create other lives to cover the ones we truly lead. Many of you do here on Twitter and other networking sites. I was merely playing my part in the "Restoration of Michael Jackson". Too often and for too long people have looked at him as having this resolve of stone, like he's a living castle but he isn't. He ached and bled like we do. He cried and laughed like we do. It was not out of spite or to seek attention when I told you he thought of killing himself. This is something he thought of often when things were at their worst and he thought they would never get better. We all have that one moment when we are weak and tired and we just want to give up everything just to have a moment of peace. I didn't say that just so you would hate me. If that was what I wanted, I would have called him a child molester.
He led a long and often tiring life. So many people took from him but none of them ever gave back to him. He gave his all to his fans and you gave him the adoration he craved but rarely the love that he needed. Very few people loved him the way he wanted to be loved and some of them never told him they felt that way. Others pretended to love him but all they wanted was what his friendship could give them, fame and fortune. Very few of us stuck by him when he needed us and even within that group, there were those who doubted him. Some friends, huh? I'm not bashing anyone. I'm merely pointing out facts but of course, I've strayed from the reason for this message.
I came here to seek the truth, to get to know his fans and to see what those who claimed to love him truly thought of him. In a way, yes, I am a spy. I was appalled by some of you and intrigued by others. Most of you I've come in contact with see him as a conquest, a challenge that needs to be overtaken so that you can have a sense of glory. Then there are those who merely want him for sex and that is the only way they see him. I am not condemning you, I swear. But I have found that at least 20% of those that I've met see him and love him the way that he wanted to be loved. I clung to these people, some more than others because of it. Yes I lied to you for a while about me, I even went as far as to pretend to be Michael for a bit as well, but I did it for a good reason. I found out much about you and the many faces you wear. As stated earlier, I will give no answers to your questions/
Was it right what I did? No, not by a long shot, but I did it just the same. I had to do it. I know it wasn't right but it needed to be done.
I know you will hate me for all of this but I don't care. I will love you regardless. I did it for Michael, and if you were in my shoes, you would have done the same.
So many of you are filled with hate and anger. It consumes you to the point where you attack others just because of their names, you know who you are. Yes I am a liar, I did lie to you but I did it for a reason, a good reason. You can't judge me for it. Well, you can but it won't matter because you are doing the same as me, only you are doing it because you think Michael will come to you. He won't.
You want Michael to confide in you and lay his whole soul bare, but you are way too two-faced for him to do that. Again, you know who you are. You sit there in your little group bashing all the "fakes" but you are the fake ones. You judge and bash those within your little group. You turn your back on them when they need you, while telling them you are there for them. You spread their secrets to others under different accounts. I don't say this to take away my own guilt. I betrayed you by lying to you and for that I am sorry. I also lied to you about my job. I'm not a music producer, but I work in the music industry but I cannot reveal in what capacity.
I know you may hate me for this. I wasn't supposed to be here for as long as I have been. I was supposed to leave a few months after but like I said earlier, I became attached to several people here and I couldn't leave. Please, please forgive me. I meant no harm.
Love always,
Michael X
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