Hi Friends,
I know that my previous posting left you with many questions and few, if any, answers. I just can't face you yet. Not until I've said everything I need to say. I don't want you to hate me but I do want you to understand me better. No one really understands me. No one, not my family or my friends. Everyone looks at me and thinks that I have it all. That I'm the luckiest man on the planet but I'm not. I have my demons and my secrets. I've kept so much from you. I just don't know how to tell you anything about me without feeling like it will come back to haunt me.
I've told you a bit about me. I guess I thought that if it was online and I didn't put a face to the account that what I said wouldn't matter. I have a hard time expressing myself when I'm around people. It's so easy to forget who I am and just be who they want me to be. I can just walk into a room and be the life of the party. That's not a problem. What is a problem is the fact that I have to, at that moment, forget everything I'm feeling because I don't want them to pick up on it. I have spent countless nights awake wondering what was so wrong with me, that if I was myself , why would people I loved and trusted would leave me. I still have no answer for that. And to be honest, I have no right to ask that of anyone. Not when I don't trust them enough to let them see my anguish.
Only a few people have actually seen my "weak" side. I refuse to show it to anyone else, for fear of being laughed at and ridiculed. I cry often because of this fear and the loneliness that comes with it. My kids and a good friend of mine have seen it. It is not easy for a man to say what he needs, especially one like me who could in some people's opinion could get any woman on the planet he desired. But that is a double-edged sword. Most women don't want a man like me. They believe that I wouldn't be faithful. *laugh* Sorry, I couldn't help it. I don't have that kind of heart in me and my soul wasn't made that way.
I have spent the better part of my life looking for someone who I could confide in and, so far, I haven't. It's almost like that person doesn't exist in reality. I can find that person in any book but not here in life. I wish there was. I have so many things that I want to get off my chest but I can't. I just can't. Some of you have trusted me with your secrets and I'll admit that it isn't fair for me to keep secrets from you when you have been so open with me. And some of you are very easy to talk to but I still can't confide in you. I can't trust as easily. I can't.
One day, soon, I will tell you everything but for now you'll just have to be content with knowing that I love you and I wish I could let you inside me.
Love Always,
Michael.
I accept you..
ReplyDelete100% understood.....if you only knew.
ReplyDeleteI can understand you too... Don`t wear that heavy heart. Don`t live in this shadow. It`s not good. Not good for you...
ReplyDeleteIf I may cut in during mid-dance for a second?
ReplyDeleteI've been in a somewhat unique position over the past several years of watching many of these confidants you speak of, come and go in and out of your life. You always kept a revolving door, one after another, after another...after another.
After running through what amounts to a stadium full of women, you'd think maybe you'd realize it's you that's the problem, and not all of them. Let's be real here; it's not that they all have deal-breaking character flaws - I knew a few of these confidantes of yours, firsthand. Some of them had absolutely questionable motives, I admit that, and some were admittedly bats**t crazy, but a lot of them were actually good people, with beautiful hearts and very genuine intentions.
The simple fact of the matter is that you just get bored that easily and then you feel the need to move on to someone new - in a nutshell, you have the interpersonal attention span of a gnat.
Combine that with probably holding an absolutely unrealistic and unattainable concept of the Ideal Woman in your head, something that no human being will ever be capable of living up to no matter how hard they try and yeah, that's why you're in the position you're in right now.
Truth be told I don't even think you have trust issues, per se - it's just that you keep most of yourself locked away because you think only this Fantasy Woman is worthy enough for you to really let in.
So you take every willing female around you for a trial run and, unbeknownst to her, put her through a battery of tests. The second she says or does something that doesn't fit your astronomically, impossibly high standards, you unceremoniously pitch her over and stop returning messages, calls, so on and so forth. No goodbyes, nothing. You go from telling them you need them like you need air to suddenly not acknowledging their existence.
I know because I've been in the position of having to comfort some of these women, as well as watching some of the others turn antagonistic toward you out of hurt. You discard them like so much trash and without a second thought for their feelings, move right on to the next one that catches your eye. Wash, rinse, repeat.
And either this is something you're completely unaware of and do unconsciously, or you know all about it and the long-winded diatribe you posted above, is just how you justify it to yourself.
Just buy a blow-up doll to tide you over until your next life; maybe then you'll find someone you feel meets your extraordinarily high standards.
But, like they said in A Band Played On, "Who besides God, qualifies?"
Waltz over.
"ouch!" Dear Sara what you just wrote.. It hurts to see and admit but it is me.. I am trying to deal with it.. But I guess it started out as being a way to take revenge.
ReplyDeleteNot you; ole Lil' Pecker up there. *points*
DeleteI remember our meet.. You were nice.. You were two.. One doesn't remember what the other had said.. I was here.. Always.. Trying to talk sometimes.. until you forget..or maybe ignore me completly.. ♥L.O.V.E.♥
ReplyDeleteUmmm......If I were You... I would choose Sara Campbell...she is very sensible and strong!Perfect writing style...yesss she has.
ReplyDeletelove U.No hugs. :))))!!!!!!!
Sara would rather be dead than with this guy, frankly.
ReplyDeletewhy?
ReplyDelete